Spitting Autowalas.

One of the many disgusting things that have now phased into my natural being is the spitting of the autowalas. But just like anything, when you begin to question it adequately you start getting some answers.

I was travelling the other day, don’t quite remember exactly, but I might have been going to a mall at a nearby suburb when I witnessed the driver of my auto-rickshaw spit out this gigantic blob of thick dark red liquid which emerged from his mouth as if it were blood, as if the case were that he was punched in the stomach and was playing the role of the villain in the last “fight scene” of a typical Bollywood movie. At first I expected him to fall to the ground and whisper a couple of words into his daughters ears who is incidentally the “hero’s” one true love, before sticking his tongue out and dying.

But no, he kept driving happily, humming his previously running track “Munni Badnaam hui” which were played on his speakers, similar to ones used at marriages, and yes with the same magnitude. It was, I believe a couple of minutes after I asked his to stop the song, whose beats had now synced perfectly with my heart beat (or was it the other way around?) when I noticed something unusual.

The Autowala was not grossed out at the sight of another man spitting red tractor emulsion paint from his mouth. My rickshaw had stopped right next to another one at a stop, and apparently the drivers knew each other. My driver asked him how he was in his ridiculously accented Hindi, to which the other replied “Bau sau thee”. What he meant to say was “Bas Sab Theek” which means, everything was good, but had too much “Pan” in his mouth. Understanding as to how it could cause a problem during further exchanges, he decided to spit it out. He positioned his mouth between the gap, between the two rickshaws and let out his liquid. No amount of industrial strength detergent would be able to remove that stain. Cherry on the icing, he tops his product with a couple of cut pieces of bettle nut better known as “Supari” one top of it. A more apt definition for “Oral Diarrhea” there is none.

It got me wondering, and finally I came to conclusion  after a grueling 15 minutes of thinking, also my stop was here. They were definitely using another dialect in their Pan ingesting state. No wonder the common public never knew about when they met to discuss the rise in charges for the rickshaws, IT WAS HAPPENING IN FRONT OF OUR EYES!!.

I was at the RTO getting my drivers license (without once sitting on the drivers seat of a car), when I saw a big line of autowalas clad in their shit colored uniforms. They were all chewing on something and from what I could gather from their expression, they weren’t swallowing anything, as if saving up their bolus from something else. I knew that they were “the spit on site” kind of people, so this seemed extremely strange. I walked past them, each of them looking at me like I was some intruder, when I saw a room into which everyone disappeared so I tried to look through one of the broken windows there, and what I saw was shocking!

They were all, one by one, spitting into a tank, which was by now more than half full of their red oral ejaculations. There was a huge poster on the wall which said “Welcome to the Brotherhood”. It immediately struck me as to why they were called “Bhaiyyas”! because Bhaiyya meant brother in Hindi. As I watched, this mere 20 something boy was presented with a Pan so majestic, so enormous; leaking with “Kattha” and lathered with “Choona”. He received the Pan an bit the tip off (for some reason, we’ve all wondered) and put the whole thing in his mouth. They were continuously spitting in the tank, one after the other till the time he finished chewing his Pan and let out a wail with his mouth half filled with the red liquid and spat into the tank with the others. Just as that happened, a hooded man came out and filled out a mug (the type thats you use with a bucket) with that liquid. I guess autowalas were just used to using that mug. As they passed it around, they all took a sip of that liquid. I threw up in my mouth but what I saw after that WILL affect you all. The remaining liquid was sent to a truck which went right into…. The Milk Factory thats somewhere near Goregaon.

PUT DOWN THAT GLASS OF MILK JIGNESH, THE 10 PERCENT DISCOUNT IS A SCAM!!!

Also I found this picture on Google when I typed “Autowalas”. My question is, WHAT THE HELL!?!?LMAO. Yes the LMAO is also part of the question.

One of the results for Autowala

Making a website.

I soon plan on starting a website in collaboration with a couple of friends, hopefully it turns out to be entertaining.
Its going to be called The Daily Retard, accessible through thedailyretard.in

Engineering.

Ah, settle down my net viewership of 10. I have finally decided what to write for the topic you have been most eagerly been waiting for. Or were you?. Even though I am in no position to update my blog having to go through this weird writers block, Engineering has always been that one topic I could be highly critical while it came to judgement at any point of the day.

“Why do I hate Engineering?” you ask me. I do not hate Engineering. I am not THAT pessimistic. I hate the institutions who think they teach engineering. Especially Mumbai university, but I think I’ll specify later on that. Yeah I know I’m about to sound like a chubby girl saying that they should ban valentines days, cause i got a drop in the third year but I thought and thought about it over and over again and it occurred to me that the reason everyone was doing engineering was because all they wanted was a good job or a good lead when they wanted to go for post graduate degrees. Now it would make sense if every student who passes out of these colleges has a brilliant idea on space travel or a portable espresso maker or something awesome like that but unfortunately, every person to pass out is no smarter than a fifth grader, which was exactly when we stopped giving a damn about education and starting asking questions like “Dude, what is UP with this shit anyway?”.

So the point is that those people are only training themselves to be workers and nothing more. I shall validate my point with a series of observations. Firstly, you are made to work endlessly and you are not allowed to complain, which is roughly the same situation you will have at work. Secondly, you read up on completely nonsensical shit which you will probably never implement later in your life, which is pretty much the case when you’ll be working with your clients.
Thirdly, the fact of the matter is drilled into you that the hotter girls will always be in another class or a different college altogether and you do not have a chance with them no matter how close your jeans stick to your ass. In a work environment you will probably be working with some of them in which case they shall be married or if you are lucky enough, you’ll be married.
Fourthly, you will always be looked upon as the smartest guy who will fix your DVD player at anytime.
And lastly, nobody wants to see you in your shorts and they don’t care even if it is a Saturday.

I hope this entices you all sufficiently and may Justin Beiber decide which box to tick under gender.

Greenstuff | The Daily Retard.

Hanging out (The technicalities involved.)

I’m sure at some point of time in your life, you have wanted to hang out with someone/ a group of people. Believe me when I tell you that what you living is a lie. No one ever hangs out. And i’m not only saying that cause i’m super lonely right now.

I know some people in my life who are perfectly happy the way they are. Some of them even go out on a limb and say they don’t need to hang out with anyone. Its a lie. Unless of course he or she is some other breed of human. Some out of the ordinarily prevailing homo-sapiens and homo-jackassians. He or she can go only so long without the company of others.

It all originates from the time we were monkeys. Most researchers like to believe it was because we hunted in packs and not singularly. I say BULL. This instinct present in all of us simply began when one of the monkeys managed to grab a really big banana, at least a bigger one compared to the others, and thats when all the other monkeys jumped at him, kicked him in the nuts and took his banana (the fruit, the innuendo was unintentional). So basically, it all boils down to the taking away stuff.

In todays world we cant steal bananas anymore. In fact I wouldn’t even if I had a chance. I hate bananas. But the point is, that today we steal each others productivity subconsciously. When some person plans on meeting up with you, or vice versa, you chat about things that you could easily be talking to with a wall. Mostly pointless. But it may or may not be the same thing with the other dude. For all you know, his IQ and thinking potential is equivalent to that of a dying pigeon. This being the case, we come to two conclusions. He is taking your ideas and working new neural pathways for further thoughts based on the same line, and you need to get smarter friends.

Keep in mind, none of this is done with an intention. But you feel good after you’ve hung out with someone. At least most of the times. There is however another approach when it comes to women. The sexual attraction technique followed when we were primates does not follow the same protocol anymore. It  is now shrouded under a series of many convoluted processes. And to make matters worse for the people pursuing them, they are spiked and different in most cases. Mostly because every girl thinks that she is not like the rest, whereas without a doubt in my mind, she is NOT not like the rest. More on the topic of women, in another more dedicated post.

So even though “really” getting to a chick these days involves a lot of tugging and shoving around. They are still easily lured by the most primitive of processes. The male counter part showed some distinct characteristics back them, and practically every male had it back then, to name a few. To name a few, a defined Jaw Line, and a defined temple structure etc..(Just look at a monkey, you’ll see).

So women or girls if you might, subconsciously look at those characteristics no matter how much they whine about looking at your inner qualities and how we don’t brush our teeth twice a day.

All of us have no control over the way we look from birth. If we did, we’d all look the same trust me (Actually that makes me wonder about chinese people. hmm.. maybe some other time). So obviously most of us don’t need a strong jaw line, cause we aren’t breaking rock hard nuts with our teeth anymore. We don’t need our wide temple structure because our behaviors and mannerisms are no longer animalistic, and our reflexes play a better part. Thus our brain reconfigured itself. Its really amazing to know how evolution fucked with us.

We lost all the body hair over the process of evolution. Women still seek those out, who haven’t lost them completely. I’ve always wondered, if a girl does manage to get a guy with a truckload of chest hair or whatever, what will she DO with all that hair?. I’m a practically hair less person, and unable to understand this fascination some women have.

Today if I guy screams, women shut their ears and then ask them to act for human, back then if someone was to scream, it was a sign of predator hood, and great libido was had. So you see what I mean, our universe has gone under a huge paradigm shift, and now the only reason why we hang out is to gossip, facebook realized this and is now making a fortune. Nice going Mark!.

Again later.

Greenstuff

http://www.google.co.in/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=How+to+bookmark+my+blog

http://www.google.co.in/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=How+to+bookmark+my+blog.

Stealth.(Something that everyone is proud of)

Stealth is one of those things that everyone is proud of. Admit it. You were proud of yourself for at least that one time in your life when you snuck past someone, behind someone unnoticed, and for once you actually intended it. Not like the other times when people don’t ever notice you, and insignificance seems to define all there is to you. But more on that later.

So the last time you saw a Ninja Movie, or something to do with spies. You DID picture yourself in their shoes, and you thought you could probably do it a little better. In your head you devised a way to shut your monologuing and just kill the fucking bad guy. The girl involved, and there is always a girl involved, is either really dumb, like blonde dumb and falls for everything you say, or she is a spy herself and understands your situation when you “HAVE” to make out with other women. It is at that point that you seriously consider becoming a spy.

For Ninja’s of course its a little different. They can’t really talk to girls, because they aren’t allowed to. But this one ninja dude did it in that one movie, before he chopped her head off. I guess your allowed “one”. But Ninja’s as we all know, do not use guns. They use a variety of weapons. The Ninjato (Ninja sword-White people term), the Black eggs etc. They are all friggin awesome. This one channel I saw this show, where the Spartan can beat a Ninja. Please feel free to lick my balls!. The Spartan would have been falling into his own pit of death before he could make out with his other gay partners. Either that of he would have definitely had some problem with Gingivitis, major cause for tooth decay.

But seriously what would you prefer? The constant air travel, relocation, a new life every time, a chance to play a different person, a chance to get really friggin hot women with enhanced jugs OR living in tree with other dudes life yourself, who upon command will kill anyone, even the chick with the awesome rack. In fact, the Ninja would execute stuff way to fast, even before the girl goes down on her knees with a solid inclination towards “please don’t kill me” sex. They prefer Mah-jong.

So bottom line, if you can find a spy with all the cool things about a Ninja and then kill him and take his place, your awesome.

Greenstuff

PS. You do not have to be ruggedly handsome to be a spy, the chicks go for the guy in the awesome company sponsored suit. And yeah, the gadgets, like bear to honey.

College (The root of Caste system)

Now for all the people looking for colleges, or trying to understand what a college really does, you have come to right place. All the other people, I’d like it if you stick around anyways although I have nothing to say to you guys.

So I’m in college, now the first thing that you would want to know is that it is going to be completely different compared to school. For the idiots who never even went to school, I shall be explaining what it is in my later posts. For those who have, take the education, the uniforms (If you ever had to wear one), the teachers, the administration, and the idiots out of “School” and there you have it, COLLEGE!.

Now I shall justify each point :

Education : You will be taught absolutely nothing in college. Its as simple as that, no matter what people tell you. There will always be people who consider themselves “not ready”. Ignore them, they will eventually go away. The professors there, AKA the people who will pretend to teach you things, are people who never got real jobs. They are morally depressed, and shall be looking for an opportunity to mount a flag pole in your anus. Do not fear them. Just think of them as Tele-tubbies, the moment class is over, they run back into their burrows where an evil witch makes them kiss her puss filled warts. Please take your time, as you attempt to vomit.

Initially, you would want to keep in pace with the ongoing assignments and what not, but after you reach level 80( the level system shall be explained later) you learn a skill called roach making, which really comes in handy and uses paper as one of your basic ingredients, others include saliva, and level 50 concentration to get it just right.

Administration: The reason I haven’t cared to include uniforms and teachers as essentials is because they are not. The uniforms go away, no one wants to see you wear that hideous outfit anymore, there are going to be girls( if you are a guy) and guys( if you are a girl) and guys( if you are gay). The administration is non existent, they have an office and computers on every desk, and believe me, I have seen what they do all they, Minesweeper. Sometime Solitaire. The exam papers that they come up with, take little or no time, in fact if you take the initiative to make one, they might consider it, because they are really lazy.

A little background about these people. They were ignored as children, and so now they seek attention. If you go and talk to them once in a while, they feel good. But if you talk to much, they cling, so a balance must be maintained. You probably wont get it right the first time, no one does (Unless you are Neo, in which case you certainly shall not). Pay no attention to notices, they usually inform you about nothing that could ever make your life more entertaining.

Thats all I want to say about College right now. oh yeah, they are buildings.

Greenstuff.

PS. More later.Keep reading.

The Office (Not for Vegetarians)

The office is like a jungle. More like an eco-system, actually its anything which has trees and little crawling things all around the place. Not in a literal sense offcourse.

You have the predators, just looking to pounce upon the minutest of errors committed by those other vegetarians. Well, they are vegetarians, so they knew they had it coming at some point or the other.  So they feast on them, and never let them get away. Unless its time for lunch, which is ironic in a very confusing way.

Then you have the mediators, or the Jackals. Cunning, and waiting for the slightest chance to pick on the poor vegetarians (again). But they also clean up the mess, so you cant really say they’re doing a bad job. They make room for more vegetarians to die.

Then finally you have the Vegetarians who just keep getting eaten.

Ah well.

I eat meat, all kinds of it, even though my mom says cows are sacred.

Greenstuff.

Leopold’s Cafe

So this cafe is pretty easy to describe. Its Naice!. It isn’t the traditional look for a cafe, with the highly overpriced coffee and constantly making sure you are not so loud, that the person right next to you might hear what you are saying. Its another thing, if that doesn’t bother you.

The cafe has its own following. The menu has a lot of choices, and none of them will drill a hole in your pocket, rest assure. Unless offcourse your a person with a large appetite. The alcohol was pretty reasonably priced too, obviously not the place to binge drink.

Me and my photographer friend enjoyed a good meal, and washed it off with some 8% alcohol. (Beer).

The place has two places you could choose to sit in, an area exposed to the traffic outside, surprisingly quiet. And the place inside, more confined, cant tell you a lot about it, wasn’t there.

Now that THAT is out of the way, Leopold’s was one of the places the terrorists attacked when they were shooting the crap out of Mumbai. Yeah , its that good.

They’ve left the bullet holes intact, it was quite a crowd puller initially, now not so much. Got Pics though

This one was right next to the entrance, where the security guard stood with his air-gun. Oops did I say Air-gun?, I meant Rifle.

With the semi-victorian feel to the place, it can be rated 8 out of 10, I would have said 9 but the waiters there clearly have advanced post graduate degrees from MIT, what else could be the cause for all that pride right?

Written by Greenstuff

Pics by Akshat.

Marine Drive

My first stop was Marine Drive, for all those people who want to know how to get there, you could use google maps. Mumbai is very well connected thanks to the railways, no matter how much people whine about it. So if you are new to Mumbai, simply go to the nearest railway station. Buy yourself a ticket to Marine Drive. Hop on a train that goes to Churchgate as the last station, and right after the station called Churni Road, you shall find Marine Drive.

There are various exits to the station. I took the one leading right to the highway which served as a buffer between the station and Marine Drive. Now if you are a tourist, feel free to simply cross the road whenever there aren’t too many cars passing by. You shall be judged by passer by’s but worry not for they are being highly hypocritical.

Now I must confess, this isn’t the first time I was going there, and me making such a big deal about this is kind of lame. But nevertheless, it’s the one place where I always make plans of going to after going through some kind of ordeal. The wide open space, the blasts of wind, and walking on that parapet. It’s something else for me. However I should note that if you are going there for a “getaway from all the bullshit” experience, I suggest you go after 2.30pm because the heat is just going to ruin everything. Although you might develop this new found respect for the couples who stick it out through all of it (pun intended, if you swing that way) and have their hands wrapped around each other, exchanging sweat. Love does strange things to people.

Marine Drive itself is a very big stretch right next to the sea. Over 3kms long. So I obviously wasn’t going to walk the length of it. If I wanted that, I could have just gone to the gym or done some grocery shopping for mom. (Yes, I live with my parents; it’s not lame in India, jealous?).

Marine Drive is best known for its end point also known as Nariman Point. The couple density is even higher there. You can also find a lot of white people, sitting under the sun and enjoying themselves. We look at them like they are retards probably because if we did it, it would be the exact opposite of what our television networks advertise (*rolls eyes* who’d do that right?).

So this is what the end of Mumbai looks like. At night when all the lamps are lit, from this point you can see what is called the “Queens Necklace”. It’s a good sight. When I was sitting here, I noticed crabs emerging from beneath these tripods, and not the juicy red ones, the weird black ones. So yeah that is all I did here. So basically in the end, it’s definitely a must see. Choose your time well; get water because you won’t find any near about.

Written By

Devdeep Bag (Greenstuff)

Pics by Akshat Ayan.