Engineering.

Ah, settle down my net viewership of 10. I have finally decided what to write for the topic you have been most eagerly been waiting for. Or were you?. Even though I am in no position to update my blog having to go through this weird writers block, Engineering has always been that one topic I could be highly critical while it came to judgement at any point of the day.

“Why do I hate Engineering?” you ask me. I do not hate Engineering. I am not THAT pessimistic. I hate the institutions who think they teach engineering. Especially Mumbai university, but I think I’ll specify later on that. Yeah I know I’m about to sound like a chubby girl saying that they should ban valentines days, cause i got a drop in the third year but I thought and thought about it over and over again and it occurred to me that the reason everyone was doing engineering was because all they wanted was a good job or a good lead when they wanted to go for post graduate degrees. Now it would make sense if every student who passes out of these colleges has a brilliant idea on space travel or a portable espresso maker or something awesome like that but unfortunately, every person to pass out is no smarter than a fifth grader, which was exactly when we stopped giving a damn about education and starting asking questions like “Dude, what is UP with this shit anyway?”.

So the point is that those people are only training themselves to be workers and nothing more. I shall validate my point with a series of observations. Firstly, you are made to work endlessly and you are not allowed to complain, which is roughly the same situation you will have at work. Secondly, you read up on completely nonsensical shit which you will probably never implement later in your life, which is pretty much the case when you’ll be working with your clients.
Thirdly, the fact of the matter is drilled into you that the hotter girls will always be in another class or a different college altogether and you do not have a chance with them no matter how close your jeans stick to your ass. In a work environment you will probably be working with some of them in which case they shall be married or if you are lucky enough, you’ll be married.
Fourthly, you will always be looked upon as the smartest guy who will fix your DVD player at anytime.
And lastly, nobody wants to see you in your shorts and they don’t care even if it is a Saturday.

I hope this entices you all sufficiently and may Justin Beiber decide which box to tick under gender.

Greenstuff | The Daily Retard.

Hanging out (The technicalities involved.)

I’m sure at some point of time in your life, you have wanted to hang out with someone/ a group of people. Believe me when I tell you that what you living is a lie. No one ever hangs out. And i’m not only saying that cause i’m super lonely right now.

I know some people in my life who are perfectly happy the way they are. Some of them even go out on a limb and say they don’t need to hang out with anyone. Its a lie. Unless of course he or she is some other breed of human. Some out of the ordinarily prevailing homo-sapiens and homo-jackassians. He or she can go only so long without the company of others.

It all originates from the time we were monkeys. Most researchers like to believe it was because we hunted in packs and not singularly. I say BULL. This instinct present in all of us simply began when one of the monkeys managed to grab a really big banana, at least a bigger one compared to the others, and thats when all the other monkeys jumped at him, kicked him in the nuts and took his banana (the fruit, the innuendo was unintentional). So basically, it all boils down to the taking away stuff.

In todays world we cant steal bananas anymore. In fact I wouldn’t even if I had a chance. I hate bananas. But the point is, that today we steal each others productivity subconsciously. When some person plans on meeting up with you, or vice versa, you chat about things that you could easily be talking to with a wall. Mostly pointless. But it may or may not be the same thing with the other dude. For all you know, his IQ and thinking potential is equivalent to that of a dying pigeon. This being the case, we come to two conclusions. He is taking your ideas and working new neural pathways for further thoughts based on the same line, and you need to get smarter friends.

Keep in mind, none of this is done with an intention. But you feel good after you’ve hung out with someone. At least most of the times. There is however another approach when it comes to women. The sexual attraction technique followed when we were primates does not follow the same protocol anymore. It  is now shrouded under a series of many convoluted processes. And to make matters worse for the people pursuing them, they are spiked and different in most cases. Mostly because every girl thinks that she is not like the rest, whereas without a doubt in my mind, she is NOT not like the rest. More on the topic of women, in another more dedicated post.

So even though “really” getting to a chick these days involves a lot of tugging and shoving around. They are still easily lured by the most primitive of processes. The male counter part showed some distinct characteristics back them, and practically every male had it back then, to name a few. To name a few, a defined Jaw Line, and a defined temple structure etc..(Just look at a monkey, you’ll see).

So women or girls if you might, subconsciously look at those characteristics no matter how much they whine about looking at your inner qualities and how we don’t brush our teeth twice a day.

All of us have no control over the way we look from birth. If we did, we’d all look the same trust me (Actually that makes me wonder about chinese people. hmm.. maybe some other time). So obviously most of us don’t need a strong jaw line, cause we aren’t breaking rock hard nuts with our teeth anymore. We don’t need our wide temple structure because our behaviors and mannerisms are no longer animalistic, and our reflexes play a better part. Thus our brain reconfigured itself. Its really amazing to know how evolution fucked with us.

We lost all the body hair over the process of evolution. Women still seek those out, who haven’t lost them completely. I’ve always wondered, if a girl does manage to get a guy with a truckload of chest hair or whatever, what will she DO with all that hair?. I’m a practically hair less person, and unable to understand this fascination some women have.

Today if I guy screams, women shut their ears and then ask them to act for human, back then if someone was to scream, it was a sign of predator hood, and great libido was had. So you see what I mean, our universe has gone under a huge paradigm shift, and now the only reason why we hang out is to gossip, facebook realized this and is now making a fortune. Nice going Mark!.

Again later.

Greenstuff

Stealth.(Something that everyone is proud of)

Stealth is one of those things that everyone is proud of. Admit it. You were proud of yourself for at least that one time in your life when you snuck past someone, behind someone unnoticed, and for once you actually intended it. Not like the other times when people don’t ever notice you, and insignificance seems to define all there is to you. But more on that later.

So the last time you saw a Ninja Movie, or something to do with spies. You DID picture yourself in their shoes, and you thought you could probably do it a little better. In your head you devised a way to shut your monologuing and just kill the fucking bad guy. The girl involved, and there is always a girl involved, is either really dumb, like blonde dumb and falls for everything you say, or she is a spy herself and understands your situation when you “HAVE” to make out with other women. It is at that point that you seriously consider becoming a spy.

For Ninja’s of course its a little different. They can’t really talk to girls, because they aren’t allowed to. But this one ninja dude did it in that one movie, before he chopped her head off. I guess your allowed “one”. But Ninja’s as we all know, do not use guns. They use a variety of weapons. The Ninjato (Ninja sword-White people term), the Black eggs etc. They are all friggin awesome. This one channel I saw this show, where the Spartan can beat a Ninja. Please feel free to lick my balls!. The Spartan would have been falling into his own pit of death before he could make out with his other gay partners. Either that of he would have definitely had some problem with Gingivitis, major cause for tooth decay.

But seriously what would you prefer? The constant air travel, relocation, a new life every time, a chance to play a different person, a chance to get really friggin hot women with enhanced jugs OR living in tree with other dudes life yourself, who upon command will kill anyone, even the chick with the awesome rack. In fact, the Ninja would execute stuff way to fast, even before the girl goes down on her knees with a solid inclination towards “please don’t kill me” sex. They prefer Mah-jong.

So bottom line, if you can find a spy with all the cool things about a Ninja and then kill him and take his place, your awesome.

Greenstuff

PS. You do not have to be ruggedly handsome to be a spy, the chicks go for the guy in the awesome company sponsored suit. And yeah, the gadgets, like bear to honey.

College (The root of Caste system)

Now for all the people looking for colleges, or trying to understand what a college really does, you have come to right place. All the other people, I’d like it if you stick around anyways although I have nothing to say to you guys.

So I’m in college, now the first thing that you would want to know is that it is going to be completely different compared to school. For the idiots who never even went to school, I shall be explaining what it is in my later posts. For those who have, take the education, the uniforms (If you ever had to wear one), the teachers, the administration, and the idiots out of “School” and there you have it, COLLEGE!.

Now I shall justify each point :

Education : You will be taught absolutely nothing in college. Its as simple as that, no matter what people tell you. There will always be people who consider themselves “not ready”. Ignore them, they will eventually go away. The professors there, AKA the people who will pretend to teach you things, are people who never got real jobs. They are morally depressed, and shall be looking for an opportunity to mount a flag pole in your anus. Do not fear them. Just think of them as Tele-tubbies, the moment class is over, they run back into their burrows where an evil witch makes them kiss her puss filled warts. Please take your time, as you attempt to vomit.

Initially, you would want to keep in pace with the ongoing assignments and what not, but after you reach level 80( the level system shall be explained later) you learn a skill called roach making, which really comes in handy and uses paper as one of your basic ingredients, others include saliva, and level 50 concentration to get it just right.

Administration: The reason I haven’t cared to include uniforms and teachers as essentials is because they are not. The uniforms go away, no one wants to see you wear that hideous outfit anymore, there are going to be girls( if you are a guy) and guys( if you are a girl) and guys( if you are gay). The administration is non existent, they have an office and computers on every desk, and believe me, I have seen what they do all they, Minesweeper. Sometime Solitaire. The exam papers that they come up with, take little or no time, in fact if you take the initiative to make one, they might consider it, because they are really lazy.

A little background about these people. They were ignored as children, and so now they seek attention. If you go and talk to them once in a while, they feel good. But if you talk to much, they cling, so a balance must be maintained. You probably wont get it right the first time, no one does (Unless you are Neo, in which case you certainly shall not). Pay no attention to notices, they usually inform you about nothing that could ever make your life more entertaining.

Thats all I want to say about College right now. oh yeah, they are buildings.

Greenstuff.

PS. More later.Keep reading.

The Office (Not for Vegetarians)

The office is like a jungle. More like an eco-system, actually its anything which has trees and little crawling things all around the place. Not in a literal sense offcourse.

You have the predators, just looking to pounce upon the minutest of errors committed by those other vegetarians. Well, they are vegetarians, so they knew they had it coming at some point or the other.  So they feast on them, and never let them get away. Unless its time for lunch, which is ironic in a very confusing way.

Then you have the mediators, or the Jackals. Cunning, and waiting for the slightest chance to pick on the poor vegetarians (again). But they also clean up the mess, so you cant really say they’re doing a bad job. They make room for more vegetarians to die.

Then finally you have the Vegetarians who just keep getting eaten.

Ah well.

I eat meat, all kinds of it, even though my mom says cows are sacred.

Greenstuff.